On Monday, September 29 at 12:28 pm I received the dreaded phone call. “Erin, she is not coming back.”
I talked with our case worker for a few more minutes but I don’t remember any of it- except for the words ringing in my ears, “She’s not coming back.”
I hung up the phone and instantly fell to my knees and sobbed like a little child. I was home alone and vocally offered my deep sorrow to my Heavenly Father.
“Why would our birth mother do this to us? Why didn’t this happen before I quit my job? Why not before we completely decorated the nursery?”
But mostly, “Why did we feel so connected to this baby girl? Why did we feel like we had received a very clear answer to our prayers that she was to be apart of our family?”
Patrick came home a few minutes later. He held me tight as we sat together, sad.
For the past two weeks every waking moment had been focused on preparing for this little one, and Patrick knew it would be good for us to get away for a while. He found us a darling bed and breakfast a couple hours away. Before I knew it he booked it for the entire week.
This place was perfect.
The colors in Logan were gorgeous and the Temple was near by.
We had an entire week to be together, and to feel our Heavenly Father near. I am embarrassed to admit it, but at first I felt like He had tricked us or given us false hope.
But as time went on, I could feel His love and was reminded of some truths I have always known…
*Heavenly Father and our Savior really do listen to our prayers. They mourn when we mourn and rejoice when we rejoice. They understand the longing of our heart, but also, they have a plan for our lives. Often times we just need to be patient and trust.
*I am reminded that we all have free-agency. Our birth-mother had her agency to leave. I have my agency to be angry and sad or to learn from this experience. I feel I have done both.
*I am in absolute awe at the love we have been shown by family, friends and even people we don’t know. Your prayers have strengthened us and we are incredibly thankful.
I am thankful for the opportunity to watch General Conference and learn from our leaders this weekend. So many of the talks spoke to my heart and gave me great comfort. What a blessing.
I love my sweet husband so much and am thankful for his love and support. We know we will be parents someday. It won’t be as soon as we had hoped, but one day we will hold our little one and all of this heartache will go away.
I just know it.
35 comments:
Erin, I am so so sorry. You would think that after the difficulty of fertility problems that adoption would be easy, to balance it out. But it's not.
I have no doubt that your testimony and relationship with Heavenly Father will comfort you, I just really hoped that you wouldn't have to feel this pain in the first place. You and Patrick are still in my prayers. Love you.
We are still praying here for you both. As I prayed last evening, I asked Heavenly Father to bring you both comfort and strength. I know that our Lord has a plan.
Love, Jenny
We are still praying for you both. I admire your courage, your strength! One of my favorite quotes from Conference was, "The best is yet to come!" I know for you both that is true. The best, your little baby, is yet to come.
I thought of you during most of the conference talks both yesterday & today! Weren't they AMAZING?? Your faith & strength are such an example. Please know we are still praying for you.
What a thoughtful husband of yours to know just the right balm for this wound! I'm glad general conference was also here so close to offer sweet words of comfort.
It's so hard to be climbing up the mountain full of trees and not being able to even see the top! It's hard to be able to trust that there is a summit at all. But, of course, there is. We just must press forward and that is a lot harder to do than just stop and make camp sometimes. It's much more worth it to finish the journey.
You are thought of and loved and most of all, prayed for!
~Bec
I know it too dear. I love you. Our prayers are with you.
I know that conference was a great comfort to both of us. The statement that faithfulness is not only a feeling it is a decision really touched my heart.
We may be sad but we will make the decision to be faithful.
It will all work out. You will be blessed with a baby....I just know it and so does dad.
Much love, Mom
I've been reading your blog and have been so excited and then so sad for you. I can't imagine the emotions you are struggling with but you are right...He knows your pain and heartache for He has felt it and will strengthen and lift you. I will continue to pray for you.
Erin, I mourned right along with you and Patrick when I learned of this chain of events. I prayed and prayed that things might have had a different outcome, but at the same time I knew and know that God has a plan for you and it is perfect and filled with joy. For whatever reasons this baby just wasn't a part of it, but one day there will be one who will arrive in your loving and capable arms and it will be the perfect child for you and according to God's plan for you and Patrick and the child. I know this to be true. I absolutely loved the talks given at conference this past weekend. I was moved in all directions, joyful, tearful, you name it. It touched every corner of my heart. You remain in my deepest most heartfelt prayers. (((hugs)))
We love you both so much. This post really touched me - that you could find so much comfort and think so positively in such a painful time. We pray for you constantly.
You are in our thoughts and prayers! We love you both.
Kathy & Ken
Our whole family has been praying for you guys. I'm so glad you received some comfort in getting away for the week. You should hear John's sweet prayers for you guys, especially when he can't remember your last name and makes something up. And you were definitely in my thoughts as I listened to Conference. We love you guys!
Erin and Patrick, I know something will work out and that you will still get your baby. Hopefully sooner than you think. My heart does break for you at this time though too. You are in my thoughts and prayers always.
Erin, I've been thinking about you since we talked last week and trying to understand myself why this happened and at the time it did. I do know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us and we may never, on this earth, come to understand why things happen the way they do. But I do know that he knows us better than we know ourselves. Everything happens for a reason and this was his plan for you. Randy, Max, and I love you and Patrick and you'll continue to be in my prayers.
You have been in my prayers all week. I will continue to pray for you and the sweet little spirit that will come into your home.
Erin,
Thank you for your sweet comment on my blog. You have always been an example to me. I love reading your blog and hearing your testimony. You are so strong. I you always turn to the Lord first and I admire that. It reminds me of the talk the general young women's president gave in conference. She said she has a plate that says, "I can do hard things." but that she would change it to say, "With the Lord, I can do all things." And I believe that about you. You can do hard things and because you rely on the Lord you can do all things. I have been praying for you. I love you. I don't know what Heavenly Father has in store for you but I know it will be greater than you ever could have imagined. I love you and will continue to pray for you and Patrick and your baby (that is waiting to be with you).
Erin-
I was soo sad to hear about what ended up happening, but I know that our Heavenly Father has an amazing plan for you and Patrick. Gabe has been saying prayers for "Erin's baby". We love you guys.
HI Erin,
I am so glad to have found you! I am so happy to see that you found a wonderful husband and that you are doing so well. Your blog is inspiring to read and having known you and the great person that you are and all that you have accomplished and done with your life. I know that your righteous desire of being a mother will come to pass in the lord's time. You seem to know about the Lord's time and since you are a believer, you will be compensated for any loss that you have or feel. I love ya Erin and so glad to be back in contact with you!
Erin! I am so sorry! Know that you are in our prayers and that we love you! Everyone from class sends their love as well! Let me know if their is anything at all that I can do for you!!!
This is Brianna... Griffith, now McGee I was in your class at Timpview and my sister was in your class this year (Kira). I'm so sorry for the hard time that you are having. If you want to get onto my blog just send me an email please at mcgee06@gmail.com and I'll send you an invite...it's set to private so just let me know. We will pray for you.
~Brianna
this post brought tears to my eyes. we are so sad for you guys. i know we have never met, but through reading your posts i feel like i know you! and i've met your mom so thats close enough:)
we will continue to pray for you both. i know everything will work out. i admire your strength and have learned from your testimony! thank you for sharing it!
and what a wonderful hubby you have! that bed&breakfast looks awesome-i'm glad you got to get away for awhile.
Hi Erin and Patrick,
I'm finding it very difficult to offer much comfort and advice. With heavy heart, I can only continue to offer up my prayers and support for you both. There will be another baby come along; though, this isn't going to make you feel any better right now. I love you both very much and will be thinking of you. I can see how the trip to Logan Canyon helped to ease the pain.
Love,
Aunt Gay
I am crying for you right now, I am so sorry that this happened to you and your sweet husband. I have a close friend who adopted a little boy, she had another baby that she was going to adopt that the Birth mom choose another family. She was sad, but now she has the baby that was meant for her and her family. I pray that you will have comfort that every thing happens for a reason.I hope your heart and your arms will be full soon! I will continue to pray for you and your family! Lots of love, Kelsi
I thought of this poem and was inspired to share it with you!
Wait
by Russell Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."
"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.
"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."
i cried when i read your post. i then thought that god must have something very special for you in store. even though i don't know you super well, what i do know is that god always seems to have something amazing for you to do or to give you. and it seems that africa and even your sweet husband were wonderful things that weren't given or shown to you until after a time of faith and patience. you really are an inspiration and i feel so blessed to have your example in my life. i'll be praying for you two.
I loved the poem "wait", it reminded me of Zacharias and Elisabeth's story, how they waited until they were very old before she conceived, and she bore John the Baptist, Jesus' cousin. All those years of heartache and longing, and all that time our Heavenly Father had a plan. I know you know there's a plan.
Every night at family prayer, we take turns, and every night we remind the kids to remember you, and my sisters, that you may be comforted and feel our love.
Erin,
I've been following your blog for the last few weeks since Janice told me your story after talking to you at the temple. I cried for you when I read this post. I can identify with you, after wanting a child for so many years myself--I can imagine the devastaion you must have felt when you heard the news. I'm so grateful you are feeling some peace and hope now. When I was thinking about you last night, I just felt so strongly that this sacrifice is a prelude to such great happiness for you. God never fails. I can't wait to see what He has in store for you!
I'll keep watching to see what happens. Thank you for your great example! Love, Jenn (Janice says hi too!)
I love you. It is so hard not to ask why and I wish life were easier. But, your faith is amazing and someday we will all understand. Hang in there.
Erin, you have always amazed me with your outlook on life. Knowing you can find positive in the middle of such saddness is so inspiring. My thoughts and prayers are with you both!
Erin, thanks for your inspiring words. In your time of sadness, you have lifted me. I wish you and Pat didn't have to go through this pain, but like everyone else mentioned, we continue to hope for what is in store for you. I loved Elder Uchdorf's talk about Hope in conference. I also thought about the scripture 3 Nephi 14:7-11. Thank you for your faith.
Erin just a friend of the extended the family. My heart is saddened and yet I know that there is a baby that is going to be so loved and nurtured by you that this will seem but a moment in time. I can tell that you and Patrick will be great parents already and what a fortunate little spirit that will come to you not in our time but in the Lord's and that's the hardest. I just wanted to let you know you are loved and prayed for strength to always have the strong testimony you now own. love and prayers cyndi
How sweet that little baby will be when it is finally in your arms! Where there is no pain, there is no joy. I can echo what everyone else has said, in that, the journey is long and hard but something lies ahead! Erin I love you guys so much and like everyone else, I look up to you so very much! I've also gone through the roller coaster as I've just read your posts. We're praying for you and hope all is well! I'd love to get together sometime when you've got a minute :) Love you! ETTE
When I heard about what happened to you in ASL today I was so mad! It's just not fair, what happened. I'm so glad that you and your husband have been able to get through this together with the gospel as a center piece. You two are so strong! All of your level two's miss you and hope you get your little angel soon!
Love,
Bitsy
GIMINY! There are so many posts on here I don't know if you'll ever read this. It's amazing how many friends, family and fans you have. As I read this post it was like Deja vu! I was just in this EXACT situation except I was the Social Worker telling the family. As I read I started to wonder if this was my birthmom! She too was from Ohio, she too was matched, and she too told us she had a family emergency. She hugged me close at the air port as i droped her off and whispered in my ear "I'll miss you". I knew then she wasn't coming back. My heart ached for the sweet parents who had been so excited calling every day for new updates. I wanted to cry right then. I walked out of the air port wanting to dissapear. Why should I have to be the one to break the news? It's not my fault! Then, not even 2 weeks later that same amazing couple was matched with another birthmom. But they were different this time through. They were more reserved. They were scared. They were quiet. They were timid. And yes, after 2 months of nail bitting suspence they were matched. Papers were signed. They are parents. It's only a matter of weeks. You know that. Wanna know why? Because you have the power, the power of proactive optimism. The power of the laws of attraction. It is going to be so worth it. This child knows you and he/she will be yours before you know it! I love you guys. Lets get together..ya? (Ps I'm still only at 1. But it's a good one so I'm okay).
I'm so sorry, Erin. You've been on my mind all week. I had hoped to find good news when I checked in tonight. You are amazing and an inspiration. I will keep you in my prayers.
I have been checking your blog every day in hopes of some news about a little one. Erin, I am so very sorry...there have been so many times when I have ask the question "why?" only later to find out there was a reason and a plan for me I wasn't aware of. Hang in there....I know that someday you and patrick are going to be incredible parents!
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