The Greatest Gift...

This week has come with a wide range of emotion.

First and foremost would be that of love and gratitude. Feelings of love I cannot adequately express towards our dear birth-mother, Jenny. She has changed our lives forever. She was the answer to our continuous heart-felt prayers. Her courage to do this most selfless act makes her my hero- and our little guy will be constantly told how wonderful she is. She brought him to us. She made us a family. She gave us the greatest gift.

This week was also filled with worry and concern. On Tuesday we took little Cal into the pediatrician to check on a possible heart murmur and his jaundice level. The murmur was gone much to our relief. The jaundice was checked with a blood test and the results would be available in a couple of hours.

We drove 45 minutes back home when Patrick received the dreaded phone call. "His jaundice levels have almost doubled from an 11 to a 19 in less than 24 hours. You need to take him to Primary Children's Hospital immediately." We couldn't believe it. We quickly gathered up a few things but then paused to say a prayer for our little man.

We arrived just before 5pm expecting to have him chill under the Bili lights for a bit and then come back home. We knew this was common.

The doctor came in to talk to us and began to express his concern about Cal's fever. He was warm at about 100 degrees. He then began talking about tests they needed to do... another blood test, a mucus test, a urine test and most scary to me was a spinal fluid test. They were concerned he could have an infection and wanted to find out what it could be.

My eyes began to fill with tears. Our sweet little baby was going to be poked and prodded in a painful way and it crushed my heart. I looked to Patrick and told him I did not think I could endure watching him suffer in this way. "I will stay with him, you wait out in the hall." I kissed our little boy and tears flowed as I walked out of the room.

I was thankful to find a semi-private place where I lowered my head and began a constant prayer. "Please bless the doctor's hands as they work on our baby, Please bless Calan with angels to support him, Please bless Patrick and strengthen him.

I could not believe how much love I felt for our baby only 4 days old. I would have gladly taken his place for those tests.

As I sat there busy in my thoughts by mind went suddenly still. It felt as though warm water had poured over me, from my head all the way down to my toes. There were no words associated with it but the feelings in my heart were crystal clear. "You love your sweet little boy so much after just 4 days... your concern for him is great, your sadness for his pain is deep. Erin, I have known you and loved you for longer than you can understand. My concern for you is great, my sadness for your pain is deep, my joy for your joy is very real. I am aware of every feeling of your heart. I am your Heavenly Father and I love you."

I have always felt my Heavenly Father's love for me. But, even as a very new parent, I felt it in a very new and tender way. He really is my Heavenly Father and loves me even more than I can comprehend.

I felt peace. I felt love. I felt new understanding.

I walked back to his room and they still were not finished. I heard his cries and cried with him.

As the door opened the scene before me proved that the procedure was difficult on our little one. Patrick asked me to stay outside until everything was cleaned up. The look on his face proved to me that this was equally difficult on him.

A few minutes later our new little family was once again joined together. Patrick held Calan and hugged me at the same time. I told him of the experience I had had out in the hall and he relayed to me his tender experience.

Cal's little hand wrapped around Patrick's finger for the entire procedure. His firm grip never let go. Patrick was moved to emotion to watch our innocent little baby go through so much.

His thoughts also turned towards our loving Heavenly Father. He looked on as His son suffered the ultimate sacrifice. Cal's suffering was brief- it was for his good and would benefit him, even though it was painful. Our Savior suffered for our benefit. He was perfect. His pain would allow us to repent and live with Him again.

The love our Heavenly Father has for us truly is incomprehensible. Our dear Savior sacrificed all because of His love for us. It is the greatest gift.

In just 4 days of life, our little Calan has taught us so much. We are especially thankful this Easter season to have a new perspective of the Atonement and a deeper understanding of the love that is felt for us from above.

It truly is the greatest gift.